Ask More, Tell Less
Beyond Empowerment BS - part 3
In my previous newsletters, I tore down the idea of 'empowerment' as a hollow concept and explored real alternatives: distributing real power and creating a learning culture.
Now, let’s talk about one more alternative: coaching.
Stop Giving Answers. Start Asking Questions
I learned this the hard way.
Early in my career, I believed that leadership meant being the most qualified person in the room. ‘Qualified’ in every sense. The one with all the answers.
Then, a team member came to me frustrated with a challenge, and I immediately jumped in with a solution. It seemed efficient, but a week later, she was back with a similar issue. I realized my 'help' had only created dependency. Had I asked the right questions instead of offering an immediate fix, she could have figured it out and grown in the process.
I also saw this when I went to my boss for advice. I took it on, and too often I didn’t question it. It was an easy way to complete the work short-term and deny responsibility if following the advice didn’t work out.
Too often, leaders feel pressure to have all the answers. To fix the problems.
Coaching isn’t about fixing.
It’s about transforming the way people engage with challenges. It’s about unlocking deeper levels of thinking and problem-solving. It’s the difference between creating dependency and building capability.
You’re not the hero with all the solutions. Instead, you’re the partner who helps others get their own insights and take ownership.
Why Jumping in with Advice Doesn’t Help
Another time, during a leadership workshop I was facilitating, a participant asked how to handle a conflict in the team. My instinct was to provide a quick framework, but instead, I paused and asked, 'What have you already tried?'
That one question shifted the room; suddenly, the group engaged in problem-solving rather than waiting for me to provide an answer. It reinforced that coaching isn’t about filling gaps with knowledge but about unlocking what’s already there.
Michael Bungay Stanier, in The Coaching Habit, explains why resisting the urge to immediately offer advice is crucial. Leaders often believe that providing answers is the fastest way to help, but this approach has three key downsides:
It makes others dependent. If people always rely on you for solutions, they never develop the confidence or skills to solve problems themselves. Instead of fostering capability, you create dependency.
Your advice might be wrong. No matter how experienced you are, you don’t always have the full context. The person facing the challenge has insights you may not. By jumping in with advice, you risk offering a solution that doesn’t fit.
It stifles better thinking. When you give answers too quickly, you rob people of the opportunity to think critically and explore their own potential solutions. Asking good questions leads to deeper insights and better problem-solving.
Great coaching starts by resisting the urge to fix and instead creating the conditions where others can generate their own answers.
Five Ways To Be More Coach-Like
It starts with questions, yes, but goes beyond it:
Ask open-ended questions. Resist the urge to provide solutions. Instead, start with: What’s the real challenge here for you? or What options have you considered? Let them think before you step in.
Listen deeply. Hold space. Don’t interrupt. Don’t jump in with advice. Just listen. Most people don’t need more opinions, they need clarity.
Balance support and challenge. Encouragement is important, but so is accountability. Push people to think critically and challenge their blind spots while still offering support.
Cultivate curiosity. Assume people have more potential than they believe. Ask questions that stretch their thinking rather than remaining with the problem.
Be humble. Coaching requires letting go of the need to be the smartest person in the room. Trust that the best answers often come from within the people you lead, not from you.
Coaching vs. Empowerment BS
I once worked with a political leader who wanted to 'empower' their team but struggled to let go of control. They'd say things like, 'I trust my team, but I need to approve final decisions.'
The contradiction was clear.
We worked on shifting their approach to coaching, and within months, their team was taking initiative, solving problems independently, and making stronger decisions without constant oversight. The leader didn’t lose control; they gained a team that could lead itself.
The problem with 'empowerment' is that it often keeps the leader in control. You 'give' power, but on your terms.
Coaching flips the dynamic.
It assumes people already have the capability within them. Instead of bestowing power, you create the space where people can uncover and grow their own abilities.
Empowerment says: 'I believe in you, so I’ll give you power.'
Coaching says: 'I believe in you and trust that you already have power; let’s create the right conditions for you to use it.'
Coaching builds clarity, ownership, and confidence. When you lead this way, people don’t just follow your direction: they step up and lead themselves.
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