How to Bridge Political Divides With Questions
Three Sets of Questions For Your Next Discussion
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Political polarization is real. Meaningful dialogue with someone on the opposite side of an issue often feels impossible.
Too often, we criticize without understanding. We shout or we avoid any dialogue on the contentious issues. In this context, exchanging opinions with someone you disagree with seems like a success. But it's a long way from creating understanding and perhaps common ground.
It's not an easy problem to solve.
In the spirit of 'being the change you want to see', I want to suggest one low-key way to help build bridges, one we can all use:
Ask more & better questions
You may feel uneasy about this, and it's quite normal: there are a few obstacles to asking questions:
You’re afraid showing that you don't know the answer
You think you already know, and there is no need to ask
You’re biased and unconsciously avoiding questions that challenge your beliefs
You’re overconfident and believe everyone else is biased, not you
You think you don’t have time to ask, that value only comes from do, do, do
But if you can overcome these obstacles, questions can help you:
Provoke fresh thinking by shifting perspective or unsettling assumptions
Show genuine interest
Show humility
'Provoking fresh thinking' is on the cognitive side: ask a question to help steer someone's thinking.
But as Jonathan Swift put it:
"It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into."
Even if their position was well-reasoned, it may just be a post-hoc rationalization of a feeling. If someone does not like us or perceives us as not part of their group, we'll have a hard time engaging with them (see Jonathan Haidt's 'The Righteous Mind').
But questions can also help with that.
If coming from a genuine place, questions express interest in the other, their opinions, beliefs and feelings; it's a way to go beneath the disagreement on the issue and find out what life experiences you do share.
Questions also show humility: that you don't necessarily know better, that you are careful with assumptions.
So, the next time you're talking with friends, colleagues, family, voters on the street whom you fundamentally disagree with on important issues... try this:
1) Don’t add oil to the fire of polarization.
Before criticising someone, ask yourself:
What's motivating this urge to criticise?
How am I guilty of the thing I'm criticising?
How would I react if someone said something similar to me?
What positive results do I hope will come of this?
Am I deriving pleasure from criticising?
2) Express how you feel
If feasible, don't jump into the issue straight away; get to know them and their story, uncover what's important to them.
Then, ask how they feel about the issue and share your feelings, e.g. ask:
Follow up with ‘looping for understanding’:
Ask a question
Summarize what you heard in your own words
Ask if you got it right.
3) Create understanding
Close the gap between your views by asking them:
What is it in your position that gives you pause?
What is it in my position that interests or attracts you?
On a scale of 1 - 10, how would you rate my position? And your own?
If you didn't rate mine at 1 and yours at 10, why not?
Can we imagine a position that might at least partly satisfy both of us?
These questions are a small, but practical way how each one of us can help bridge political divides.
Questions are much more versatile: here are 12 questions that help you focus on what matters most.
Find more powerful questions for connecting, deciding and boosting creativity in Warren Berger's 'The Book of Beautiful Questions'.